Who You'd Be Today
by SuzieQ8487
Summary: Jason and Courtney suffer an unspeakable tragedy. Four years later, they relive it. Journey. Oneshot.


**A/N:** Hey everyone. This is my attempt to dive back into fan fiction. I hope that you all enjoy it. It takes place in the future. Courtney and Jason have been married seven years, and four years previously suffered a great tragedy. Lorenzo still kidnapped Courtney, but Jason rescued her at Alcazar's compound, she never miscarried. That should about cover it. Flashbacks are italicized. The song I used is by Kenny Chesney, "Who'd You Be Today"

* * *

Jason Morgan sat on a cold, hard bench at the docks and looked up at the stars. Courtney, his wife of seven years, was at home, warm and safe in their bed. Most normal people were, at two in the morning on a frigid winter's night, but four years ago Jason had lost all sense of normalcy. He'd never gotten it back.

His life had been ripped apart, torn upside down, and he'd never be the same. Not until he hunted down the person who destroyed the most valuable part of his life. Not until he killed that person with his bare hands.

It was two in the morning, and Jason felt grief, anger, and regret punch into his stomach and knock the breath out of him. Courtney had tried to make him let go of the anger, but even the persuasion of the woman he loved with his entire heart wouldn't make him stop.

He'd never stop searching.

Four years ago, Jason had lost the best part of himself. Four heartbreaking years ago.

* * *

**Flashback**

_Courtney had come back from Lorenzo Alcazar's compound in Colombia safe and sound, and four months pregnant. She'd cried when she told him at the hospital, that he was going to be a father. At first, he didn't understand her tears, chalked it up to hormones and spun her around in a circle, the way he'd seen other delighted fathers do. _

_But when he finally put her down, she was still wiping away tears. _

"_I didn't tell you when I found out. You'd said you had no right to be a father." Jason imagined that his face had gone pale at her words. _

"_I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me." _

"_You must hate me, I'm so sorry Jason. I want more than anything to raise our daughter with you." Courtney buried her face in his neck and let the tears fall. _

_Jason remembered soothing and rubbing her back while the words registered in his head. 'You must hate me. I'm sorry. Daughter.' _

_He grasped Courtney's shoulders and looked into her eyes. _

"_I could never hate you. You have nothing to be sorry for. And the baby's a girl?" He couldn't help it. He broke out into a delighted grin. _

"_Not officially. But I just have this feeling." Courtney touched his cheek. "Thanks for understanding." _

"_You don't need to thank me for anything. When can we find out for sure?" _

"_A few more weeks."_

"_Did you think of any names while you were in South America?" Jason asked, placing his hand on Courtney's slight bulge. _

"_Madeline." _

"_Yeah?" Jason asked, placing a kiss on her stomach where their child slept._

"_Only if you like it." Courtney said, in a warning tone. _

"_Madeline Morgan. I like it." Jason said. _

**End Flashback

* * *

**

Jason found himself fighting tears at the memory. Madeline had fought her way into the world, pink and strong and perfect. She'd been small. A mere six pounds and two ounces, but she'd been healthy. And so loved.

Jason stood up quickly, feeling the desperate urge to kick something. He settled on ramming his fist into the brick wall next to the pay phone. The pain in his ripped knuckles barely registered, the soft warm voice behind him did.

"Jason, please don't do this to yourself."

_**Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  
**__**I wear the pain like a heavy coat.  
**__**I feel you everywhere I go.  
**__**I see your smile, I see your face.  
**__**I hear you laughin' in the rain.  
**__**I still can't believe you're gone.**_

"Courtney, come on, what are you doing here?" Jason asked, abruptly stopping at the sound of his wife's small voice.

"You know exactly what I'm doing here." Courtney said, rather coldly as she sat down on the bench, blowing into her hands to keep them warm.

"Where are your gloves?" He asked, taking her hands in his to keepthem warm.

"I could ask the same." She looked down at her husband's bloody hands and cringed. Tears filled her sapphires. "It's not your fault. It wasn't then. It isn't now."

Jason looked down at their joined hands for a long moment before he released hers and walked away.

"Jason," Courtney pleaded, "I'm cold, tired, and I can't sleep if I know you're out here, blaming yourself and beating yourself up for something that wasn't your fault."

Jason spun around at her words. "Something that wasn't my fault? Our daughter is dead because of me. The son of a bitch who… who…"

"Who killed her." Courtney finished her husband's sentence as she let her tears spill over, and watched Jason choke on his own.

"It's been four years, Courtney. I've had the last four fucking years to find whoever killed Madeline. And I've still got nothing to show for it. Not one goddamn lead." Jason felt his face crumple, despite his attempt to hold back his emotions. Grief poured through him, even as his wife gathered him in her arms and rubbed his back. Even as she told him that it wasn't his fault.

Jason knew it was.

_**It ain't fair: You died too young.  
**__**Like the story that had just begun,  
**__**But death tore the pages all away.  
**__**God knows how I miss you,  
**__**All the hell that I've been through,  
**__**Just knowin' no one could take your place.  
**__**And sometimes I wonder,  
**__**Who'd you be today? **_

Courtney kissed her husband's forehead before she released him from her arms. He used his thumbs to brush her tears away.

"She wouldn't want to see her daddy like this," Courtney whispered softly, shifting her gaze down to the ground.

Jason cursed bitterly and kicked at the snow on the wooden planks.

"Madeline would want you to move on. To always keep her in your heart, always remember her, but she would want you to let your quest for revenge go, Jason. And you know that. If you didn't, this wouldn't be so hard for you."

"Courtney, I can't. I can't." Jason whispered, slamming his body back down onto the cold bench overlooking the harbor. "I've tried. Remember? We went to the island together, and I tried my hardest to let go of my need to… to torture the bastard who hurt her. I can't get to that place you're in. I can't. My life is unpredictable. You know that better than anyone. It gets dangerous, and I vowed to protect you, and the day I found out you were pregnant, I promised God, our baby, and myself that I would protect her with my life. I wasn't going to let anything happen to her. But because of my job, and how I live my life, she was taken from me. I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Jason, I know it's hard for you. I know. It took me two years to let go of my anger. But when I did, I could focus on the good times we had with our baby. Her first steps. Her first word…"

"Daddy," Jason whispered.

"Daddy." Courtney whispered back.

_**Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?  
**__**Settle down with a family,  
**__**I wonder, what would you name your babies?  
**__**Some days the sky's so blue.  
**__**I feel like I can talk to you,  
**__**And I know it might sound crazy.**_

Jason glanced at his wife and looked up at the sky. "I'm sorry." He whispered over and over and over again.

Courtney sat down next to him, knowing he needed to do it. Knowing he'd forever blame himself, no matter how much she loved him. But she hoped that she could ease his pain.

"Maddy, it's Mommy." Courtney began, trying her hardest to keep her voice strong as Jason's repetitive 'I'm sorry's' stopped. "You're a big girl now aren't you? Six years old today. Remember, we used to watch our counting videos? You couldn't wait to be older. Always the daredevil." Courtney sniffed and Jason grasped her hand.

"You were the bravest little girl, always jumping off the couch, scaring Mommy and Daddy in every possible way. Are you happy in heaven, sweetheart?" Courtney broke down and fell into Jason's chest, sobbing.

Jason finished for her.

"You were the happiest baby, Madeline. Your smile went all the way to those beautiful eyes of yours. I would always find myself wondering what you'd look like when you got older. Mommy and I used to talk about it. I was positive that I'd have to beat off boys with a bat. I wasn't going to let you out of the house until you were thirty." Jason laughed at the memories, and sobered when Courtney lifted her head, smiling through her tears.

"You're looking at memories, laughing at them." Courtney brushed the hair on his forehead.

"Yeah, I guess I am." Jason pulled her close and finished the conversation with his daughter. Madeline was gone, and Jason's vengeance lived on, but at moments like this, like what would have been their baby girl's sixth birthday, Jason realized how blessed he was to have had his daughter. Even for the two short years. Madeline had bettered his life, Courtney continued to better it.

"Jason?" Courtney asked, beginning to doze off.

"Hmm?" Jason kissed the side of her head.

"Let's go home."

Jason looked at the sky, blew his daughter a kiss, told her good night, and took his wife's hand and led her home.

_**Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  
**__**I wear the pain like a heavy coat.  
**__**The only thing that gives me hope,  
**__**Is I know I'll see you again someday.**_


End file.
